Jesus Death and Resurrection- Salvation for all or…?

Several years ago Jesus died on the cross and was resurrected which was like, “fuck…” then, “Oh, cool.”  Since that time various religions have been spreading throughout the world.  Was Jesus actually a Messiah and did he actually raise from the dead or was he just a dude and they made up the raising from the dead part because they knew nobody could google it?

The Bible says Jesus was resurrected after three days, even though it was really only like 40 total hours or something but still, sure, three days.  At that point the Bible says lots of folks saw Jesus walking around.  Christians point to this as proof that he really did raise from the dead because of all the witnesses.  Never mind the fact that the Bible could have been making that last part up since the gospels were written several decades after the actual event and nobody else made a journal entry that started out like, “Craziest thing happened today.  I kissed Billy, also Jesus, I guess like, isn’t dead.”   Either way, I’m not here to argue that.

I’m here to argue whether or not Christ’s death and resurrection was sufficient for all mankind, period, or if it was sufficient for all mankind as long as you fulfill some other parameters such as formerly apologizing to God for being born and choosing the correct religion of Christianity?

What if everyone just goes to Heaven automatically because Christ died for all of our sins?  Wouldn’t that kick ass?  That kind of makes more sense.  We all come from different backgrounds, have different genetics and temperaments.  Some people are born believing the word gullible is written on the ceiling some people won’t believe the earth is round if you show them an actual live feed of the space station.

It kind of seems unfair that we’re supposed to gamble on whether or not the Bible is true when we can see countless omissions and contradictions littered throughout it’s pages.

Is it really fair that I go to hell because the Bible couldn’t get around to making sense but some obese cat lady gets everlasting glory because she never bothered to fact check anything she heard in Sunday school?

Why do we feel the need to limit the power of the cross by insisting that it’s an insurance policy that only covers those pre-qualified?  There’s a lot of Christians who are fucktards and if they get to go to heaven because they happened to be born into the right religion but I don’t because I’m like, “Hey, hey did anyone actually read this book?” That’s some pasture raised chickenshit right there.

Also how can you love a God that set up the rules knowing most people were going to hell?  Why would you be cool with that? Are you REALLY cool with that or are you just kind of worried about being sent to hell yourself if you admit the rules for entry seem kind of stringent, yet vague?

You know what?  If God is real and Jesus really did die on the cross (for the forgiveness of our sins, not just because he was annoying the Romans) and if he really did raise again after a few hours and ascend into heaven then that is sufficient for sinners like you and me whether we’re 100% convinced it happened or not.

Did Jesus death and resurrection guarantee salvation for all or do you have to fulfil some other stipulations first?

How do you get to Heaven? No one comes to the Father except through me (Jesus) vs. Common Sense

“Well, God won’t make any mistakes,” my father said while being questioned about the age-old hypothetical about what happens to someone born in India who was a good person but raised Hindu or the child who dies before they could ask Jesus into their heart.

”But that’s not what the Bible says,” I responded.  “Jesus says ‘I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”  Is Jesus wrong or is this doctrine of God won’t make any mistakes wrong?  Maybe it’s not a mistake.  Maybe God meant to send that kid to hell.

So what’s that mean?  Do you have to get saved in our modern American understanding of the word in order to squeak into heaven?  It’s been made abundantly clear throughout my life that works alone won’t get you into heaven.  You can just be a good person because we’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Roman 3:23).

Does it mean? If you don’t ask Jesus into your metaphorical heart than you aren’t getting a free pass to the amusement park?  It seems like it can’t be both.  We comfort ourselves when life isn’t fair by reminding ourselves that God is just and he won’t send a child to hell or a mentally handicapped person, or someone who did the best they could but never heard the gospel.  But is that Biblical?  What if it wasn’t?

What if God really meant what Jesus said when he said “No one comes to the Father except through me.”  Would that change how we feel about God?  Just hypothetically what if every 3-year-old who never got around to asking an almighty God for forgiveness of their agregious sins of placing the letters of the alphabet in an order not alphabetically pure were all sent to hell?  Would we still worship God anyway? Is it worth us going to hell just because some snot-nosed toddler didn’t formally apologize for being born covered in the filth of original sin?

“Age of accountability!!” I hear roaring from a particularly flustered and sweaty older man.  “Toddler’s don’t have to ask forgiveness because they aren’t old enough. The Bible doesn’t contradict itself because you’re ignoring the age of accountability.”

Where in the Bible does it talk about age of accountability? As far as I know it doesn’t except through an obscure verse (Romans 1:20) which talks about God being clearly seen.  The argument here is a child can’t clearly see God, therefore, age of accountability. To me it’s some more mental gymnastics.

If those kids go to heaven then why didn’t Jesus put some parameters in there?  “Only a relative few people will be allowed to come to the Father without first going through me.”

This is one of the many contradictions in the Bible.  To be fair, it might not be so much of a contradiction in the Bible but a contradiction from what the Bible actually says to what we believe God would do in a given situation.

What do you think?  Is the Bible wrong about Jesus being the only show in town or are there a bunch of toddlers burning and it just is what it is? Or….Does everyone go to heaven? Hmmm? Some mysterious foreshadowing to my next post…

 

 

 

A conversation with my dad -Is God Always Moral

I was home this past weekend and talking with my brother-in-law and old man about religion in general and how it relates to morality.  My dad is a pastor and he frequently says things akin to “Without God who would give us our morality?  Why not kill people and rob and steal?  Would there be an objective right and wrong without God?” To which I asked a) what’s the difference between robbing and stealing and b) if there was an objective right and wrong now.  A) Good question, b) God gives us an objective right and wrong so because of him there IS right and there IS wrong.  “Is killing wrong?” I asked, laying a blatant trap. “Yes, mostly.  There are times when killing is necessary and even commanded by God,” he replied being skeptical of my tactics.

“What about when God does it to someone who is innocent, like a child?”…pause….hmmm.

“Ohhhhh shit! Gotcha! Wooo I’m Rick James!” I thought silently and respectfully to myself.

I’ve always felt like God is able to get away with horrible sins but because he’s God we assume he’s much smarter than us and we therefore can’t judge him.  Obviously we can’t judge God, he’s God.  What about when he breaks his own rule?  Is it kind of like a parent saying no candy before dinner but then sneaks a small piece for themselves?  It’s a bit hypocritical but the rule was in place for the child because the child won’t eat their dinner if they have candy.  The parent will still eat their dinner. God knows who needs killed or taken over and who needs his blessing.

I get why God should be allowed to kill with amnesty, there’s a lot of C-you-next-Tuesday’s out there that need killing, but if that’s the case it means there is no objective right and wrong.  God giving us an objective right and wrong from which to base our lives on was my dad’s whole point to begin with.

So which is it?  Is something blatantly wrong suddenly not wrong if God does it or is God guilty of doing wrong and is therefore not perfect?  It cannot be both without some real mental gymnastics.

Is God always moral? In other words, if God did a bad thing would that bad thing become good because God did it?  There are countless times in the Bible where God kills or orders the killing of vast swaths of people.  He’s God so he’s good. He’s perfect.  He also seems to do things in the Bible that any ordinary man would be thrown into prison for and probably put to death all while being called a terrible, despicable human being.

It was in God’s plan to give the promised land to the Israelites so he had to kill the people already there.  This isn’t so hard to justify when reading the Bible several thousand years later and cheering for the Israelites.  It’s harder when you imagine God sending a tribe onto YOUR land and killing YOUR family and it being called a good and moral act.

We then transitioned to whether humanity needed God to tell us all those rules he’s allowed to break or if we would have figured them out on our own.  My dad’s thought process has always been, “Hey if there is no God then why not just rape and steal and kill whoever?  We need God to set those boundaries for us.”

To which I more or less replied: Wait a minute.  Are you saying the only reason you don’t do those things is because you’re afraid you’ll be punished in the afterlife rather than just wanting to be a good person?  That’s way worse. Also, even now if you knew 100% there was no God then you wouldn’t just go off raping and plundering because you don’t want to spend your short time of existence in prison.  I also contended that humans would have come up with those rules even without God because none of us want to be looking over our heads all day waiting for someone to murder us and take our stuff.

I want to believe in an afterlife because that’s more fun than believing the credits roll and the screen goes black but I’m not willing to do the mental gymnastics to get myself there.  I envy people who strongly believe the Bible because f**k yeah golden streets, but at the same time I’m pretty relieved I don’t have to explain why dinosaurs don’t appear in the Bible or why it’s ok for God to strike people dead on a whim or even how he kept the salt/fresh water ratio sustainable during the flood.

I am very fortunate to have a father who is comfortable enough in his own beliefs to be able to have these conversations and it never turning hostile.  I end up scratching my head a lot but we are both able to laugh heartily at the absurdity of the others beliefs and that’s what family is about.  I cherish the conversations with my father, especially the religious ones, no matter how dumbfounding and frustrating the may be.

Disrespecting Jesus with Terrible Church Music

There’s a lot of confusion when it comes to the subject of praising Jesus.  Somewhere in the Bible, no one knows where for sure, it talks about making loud and joyful noises unto the Lord.  This is great, in theory, if you possess the aptitude and general musical ability to make these joyful noises without sounding like a drowning a cat.

YouTube is a fun place to find all sorts of people from many different walks of life all filming themselves being terrible at praising Jesus.  Some of them are so bad that it’s nearly impossible to watch an entire video of whatever classic hymn they’re blaspheming.

Seeing these videos got me wondering if there is a certain skill level involved in praising Jesus in order for it to not be disrespectful.  I mean, Jesus and God are like the king and, I dunno mini-king, of the whole universe so shouldn’t we not offer up some bullshit rendition of “Blessed be the Lord most high,” when we praise them?

It’s like if you have a kid who can paint really well and you put her pictures on the fridge and everyone is happy.  Then your kid, who you dropped, also wants to put a picture he painted on the fridge but his paintings lack depth and complexity and also look like he used his elbows.  What do you do?  You have to put both paintings on the fridge but secretly you wish the dumb one would just pick you a flower or something.

I wonder if that’s how God feels.  There are loads of terrible renditions of various Christian songs available for your viewing pleasure.  I would feel bad openly mocking any of them but I’m pretty sure these people put these online themselves, in order to bless us.  And bless us they most certainly do.

I can’t bring myself to post the links directly on here because frankly it just makes me sad.  I did put a couple of my favorite hyper-links on.  It’s fun to search on your own though.  As you’re being blessed by these please ask yourself: Does this feel a little disrespectful to our Lord? Not us watching it, but them performing it.  Yes.  Yes it does.  If you want to do your own research I think you would really be blessed if you were to type in “worldnetchrist” into YouTube.  That shit is great.  There are some other notable videos like THIS or THIS but seriously the worldnetchrist team is next level.  Most of their videos start with a song and then have about 25-minutes of sermon but the songs are worth the click.

 

What’s the Lag Time on Jesus’ Return?

How much lag time is involved when Jesus comes back before we all know he’s back?  Communication is pretty quick what with the internet and all but how long would it take before you could just see his celestial light?

Can you imagine mindlessly scrolling through Twitter and finding out Jesus is back.  You’d be like, “Shit. How did I miss that?” But then you’d instantly be worried that shit really isn’t ok to say.  Things just got real for you.

I bet that’s why it’s taken so long for Christ to return to us.  Had to wait for technology to sufficiently catch up with the curvature of the earth so that every knee can bow and tongue confess at more or less the same time.  I have a lot of questions about this topic that I’ll ask in a stream of consciousness sort of way, as per usual.

Will he come back and appear in Israel first?  If that’s the case it’s going to probably the middle of the night in America.  Unless he comes back in the middle of the night in Israel.

The best would probably be if he comes back at like 7am Israel time because that’s 9pm Pacific Time which means I’ll be just about to go to bed.  If Jesus came back right as I was getting into bed that wouldn’t be the worst thing.  There are several less convenient times for Jesus’ return.

There are enough people on earth that statistically there would have to be a few people who would be doing these activities no matter when Jesus comes back.  Here’s some examples for you, in case you were thinking there really isn’t a bad time for Jesus to come back.

Religious young adult about to smash for the first time.  Throwing away his faith in a moment of weakness for that sweet, sweet womanly affection.  His wildest dream finally coming true and…Boom Jesus comes back.

Man has explosive diarrhea…Boom Jesus comes back. Man can’t get up and look upon his Saviors face on account of the diarrhea.

Business woman takes two melatonin tablets…Boom Jesus comes back.  Woman sleeps soundly through the whole thing.

Old woman living in a trailer finally wins the lottery…Boom Jesus comes back. She never gets to cash the check.

Fat guy pays for his Old Country Buffet ticket and is just about to go up for his first course.  He eats a salad first because it’s January and he’s still trying to hold to his New Year’s resolution but now it’s time for the real food….Boom Jesus comes back.

Millinial artist takes a hit of DMT…Boom Jesus comes back. Millinial doesn’t believe it’s really Jesus and assumes he’s just tripping.  Jesus can’t convince him.

There are a lot of other things you could be doing that would be less than ideal for when our Lord and Savior comes back.  You could also be praying or something.  If that was the case I wonder if you’d kind of feel like Jesus probably wasn’t listening to your prayers, on account of him being busy with the rapture.

I also feel like people in biblical times didn’t have a firm grasp on the shape of the world.  It’s going to be hard for Jesus to come back at a time when people in China and America are able to be awake enough to appreciate it.

I also wonder how long it takes from the time Jesus starts coming back until he’s just back.  12 hours?  Do you see on the news that he’s starting to come back but then your mom still makes you go to school and you come back home and he’s only a little over halfway.

Where does Jesus start from when he does decide to come back?  He better come back soon if he wants to avoid satelitte detection.  It might be too late for that, even now, but I imagine in the future it will be even harder to sneak into lower orbit.

Maybe he’s been coming back this whole time but didn’t account for the expanding universe so he’s getting further away on account of not descending at faster than the speed of light.

I hope we can see him starting to come back from say Jupiter or something, just to really give us ample time to get our affairs in order.

Speaking of which, Jezebel of a woman seduces local choir director into an illicit affair….Boom Jesus comes back.

No matter when Jesus comes back there’s probably going to be a few people with egg on their face.  Let’s just hope it isn’t one of us.

Local blogger smugly puts the finishing touches on his little skepticism blog and….

Because He Lives

Despite my best effort I have managed to get the old favorite hymn Because He Lives stuck in my head.  While not containing the most ravenous bass line to ever grace a Sunday morning church service Because He Lives still managed to remain in popular circulation for several decades too many.  I’m not entirely sure if it’s glory days have passed or not but it will live on in infamy in my head.

If you’re not familiar with the tune the lyrics to the chorus are:

Because he lives I can face tomorrow, Because he lives all fear is gone; and I know he holds the future, And life is worth the living just because he lives

For the general tune just imagine a fat lady in a sundress singing in something that can only be described as panicked soprano.  That’s at least the version I always heard.

Since I’ve got the song stuck in my head anyway I started to really think about the meaning.  What if he didn’t live? Is the lady singing the song, or maybe the author, saying they wouldn’t be able to face tomorrow?  What’s that mean?  Would they just sit in bed extra long or would they just be kind of nervous to face another day?

I like that all fear is gone because he’s alive but I don’t buy that one.  People who sing that song are not fearless dare devil’s.  I call bullshit on that one, but it rhymes. Wait, no. No it doesn’t rhyme with anything.

I know he holds the future, that one is fine. And life is worth the living just because he lives.  Finally we get to the best line of the song. Life is worth living because he is alive.  Now, imagine in some parallel universe that he is not alive.  Does that mean life was not worth living?

I think when people sing that song they imagine God or Jesus or whoever being alive and they think, “Man, if Jesus just wasn’t alive anymore I just don’t know what I would do.”  But, what if, and I’m thinking way outside the box here, what if the whole story is made up?

What if God was never alive because he doesn’t exist and now people are running around thinking about committing suicide if they ever found out that their story was a farse?

That’s like if in a thousand years people sing songs about how if Harry Potter didn’t really happen then they may as well just hang themselves. That would be really sad.  I would hope they would write a more interesting song about Harry Potter living than the version Jesus got but still, that would be real sad.

If God just really never existed then nothing happens when we die.  Is that really so bad that you’d want to skip right ahead to the nothing part? That doesn’t make any sense.  Plus, it doesn’t really matter if he exists or not as long as you believe he does.  He’s either been existing, or not existing, this whole time.  If you suddenly found out he for sure didn’t exist that shouldn’t make you afraid to face tomorrow because you’ve been facing tomorrow alone this whole time.

If he did exist but then somehow just stopped existing that could be pretty scary but I don’t think that’s an option.  Seems like he either does exist or doesn’t.  Anyway, I hope you can share the burden of having this song stuck in your head for a while too.

 

72 Virgins Sounds Exhausting

Today I’d like to take a break from questioning  the Bible and instead question the Qur’an.  Specifically, this idea of getting 72 virgins upon death.  If you die a martyr in Islam you get 72 virgins. You also might get them if you’re just a believing male Muslim.  Either way, I have some questions:

How old are these virgins? They are supposed to be of age with ample breasts. So if you were worried you’d receive 72 toddlers you have to babysit, don’t worry.  They’re going to be adults.

Do they age? That’s important.  Maybe they start out as 22-year-old smoking hot virgins but after a blink of an eye they’re all withered and 120-year-old nonvirgins.  At that point you’re kind of committed.  What are you going to do go complain to Allah?

Are they always virgins, even after you do the damn thing? Kind of like groundhogs day? It would take approximately 2 months to run through 72 virgins and make them 72 regular people.  What do you do for the rest of eternity?  I imagine you eventually have your favorites but it would be a real downer if most of them were lemons.

What’s the least amount you can do and still get the virgins?  Do all believing Muslims get the virgins or just Martyrs.  Can you be emotionally martyred or does it have to be a literal death to count?  Not that I’d try to only wear the required amount of flare here but I think we’d all like some clarification.

Is there a certain level of attractiveness assumed for each virgin? We dealing with a range of 6-9s, straight 10s, or does it run the gamut? Maybe you get one or two hotties and the rest have weird teeth and refuse to shave their armpits.

Were the 72 virgins real life humans or is their entire existence supernatural?  This one is more a curiosity.  I don’t think it breaks the deal one way or the other.  If they were real life humans I wonder what they think of their afterlife being spent being one of 72 other ladies all waiting for their turn at the blown up guy.  That’d be pretty nerve wracking waiting to see who your martyr turns out to be.  Could either be the Muslim version of Ronaldo or Donald Trump.  You are a woman, you get no say.

Do you have to take care of all 72 virgins or do you just get to pick one out every night? It’s hard enough to just be an adult.  Taking care of the financial and emotional needs of 72 virgins?  That seems not worth it.  3-5 seems like a nice amount.  You get some variety but good Lord nobody needs 72 rotating sexual partners so taking care of that many just seems excessive.

Do you get to have sex with the 72 virgins or are they to remain virgins?  Woah, that would suck.  Can you imagine getting to heaven and a bunch of sexy lingerie model virgins are floundering about but you’re not allowed to fornicate with them?  Shiiiiit.  Really would have paid to read the fine print.

Overall I guess I’d rather have 72 virgins at my beck and call rather than be stuck in the sexless Christian Heaven but man, 72 virgins sounds exhausting.

Ignoring Doubt

Can you pretend to believe in God? Just as an experiment.  I wonder if it’s possible to go a month just doing the Jesus thing.  Praying before meals and bed.  Asking God to guide your steps.  Wearing pants on Sundays. Being secretly judgmental of the gays. You know? The whole nine.

I’ve been experimenting lately with random health protocols like Intermittent Fasting and not drinking alcohol.  I guess I’ve just been in an experimental mood.  I wonder if there’s a way to experiment with loving Jesus, or hell just believing in a higher power.  I used to go to church every week.  I miss aspects of some of it like when someone would bring donuts or the warm fuzzy feeling you get during a good worship service.  Everyone is closing their eyes and swaying back and forth.  The endorphins are off the charts.  It’s like being at a rock concert with less ecstasy but you feel better the next day and aren’t as sweaty.

Unfortunately, for every one of those church services you have to wade through a litany of boring sermons about Moses and some lady named Gayle singing 10-minute renditions of As The Deer.  Mostly I miss the idea that there is something more to life than just being a bag of conscious alive cells.

It struck me the other day that a good number of Americans legitimately believe that once they die they get to just be in a kickass perfect dream state for eternity.  Shit man, that sounds nice.  Why don’t we believe in that?

Really if we want to expand the skeptic/atheist crowd it wouldn’t hurt to throw in a carrot. People love metaphorical carrots.  Oddly enough literal carrots aren’t as popular.   If we’re being honest I think we can all agree our selling point is a little lacking.

“Hey you should stop believing in God.”

”Ok, what do I get?”

”Nothing, it just makes more sense.”

”Ok, I’m in.”

From now on atheists get an island with some sexual company of their choice.  Boom. Take that Heaven with your never ending church service.  We have no responsibilities and get all the island relaxation we can stand.  It’s like Thailand but with a lower chance of food poisoning.

I may have meandered off topic slightly but we could all use a little more hope.

Key takeaways: Can you live for a month pretending A) God is real or B) Atheists get an island and lovers upon death?

You get to pick one.  I’m guessing 100% of people would prefer the island so if you choose to believe God is real you get five extra bitcoin points to spend in the afterlife.

Choose ye your destiny.

 

Childlike Faith

People of faith always seem to be blown away when their three-year-old also happens to exhibit the same faith.  They say stuff on Facebook like “I was singing to Jesus and from the backseat I heard my little daughter singing along to her Heavenly Father ‘God is so Good.’ She just loves Jesus so much.”

Nah lady, kids are parrots.  Your kid is just parroting whatever you always say and do.  They don’t know any better.  I bet if you started worshiping Tim McGraw she’d start wearing a little cowboy hat around and sing songs about drinking that shot of whiskey to her Heavenly Father Lord Tim McGraw.  Actually that would be super cute. I wish more parents did that.

We are told, though, that childlike faith is a good thing.  Once you get older you start having doubts about things but children just accept whatever faith-sandwich is on their plate.  Not literally, of course.  They rarely accept whatever actual sandwich is on their plate even if they specifically requested a PB&J with the crust cut off no more than three minutes ago.  But as far as belief goes, they pretty much just fall in line.

I am not impressed when your three-year-old loves Jesus.  If you love Jesus and your three-year-old decides she loves Buddha then I will raise my eyebrows and give her a slow clap. I will go so far as to ‘like’ your Facebook post detailing her childlike faith in Buddha. Obviously, if you’re a christian you’re going to teach your children about Jesus. I’m not bemoaning that aspect of child rearing.  I’m just saying nobody gives a shit when your kid sings along to your Hillsong United CD when you’re driving to Sunday school in your green minivan.  It would be weird if your kid didn’t sing along.

Childlike faith always bothered me growing up. Not children who have faith, I’ve already discounted them as bandwagon Christians.  I mean the very idea that we should have a childlike faith.  Who tried to sneak that one in?

“Hey guys, don’t think too hard about the various paradoxes presented to you, just believe it, kind of like this kid over here.  Hey Jonny, I can fly by flapping my arms, you believe me Jonny?”

”Why, yes sir, mister preacher man.  If you say you can fly I believe it.”

“Very good Jonny. See, we just need a childlike faith.”

*Audience nods in approval, muffled amens can be heard*

Song of Solomon…Songs? Solomon.

Listen guys, I have recently revisited the dark corners of the word of the Lord.  The places which men of questionable character dare not go lest they be tempted and overcome with lust due to the provacative language in what I can only assume was the biblical version of PornHub.  I’m talking, of course, of the book Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs, as it’s sometimes called.  I have no idea how they managed to not nail down the name of this book but different Bible’s have it written differently.  Maybe they didn’t want to be consistent with the name because they didn’t want kids to read it?

Song of Solomon is one of only two books in the Bible to not directly mention God (The other being Esther). It’s also the only book in the Bible where a woman’s hair is compared to a flock of goats. I’m pretty sure that’s the case, anyway.  It’s weird, even by biblical standards.  It’s also really beautiful, especially if you love goats.

Basically, Song of Solomon is about sex.  Marital sex, I’m sure.  There’s a dude (possibly Solomon), a sexy lady who resembles various farm animals, and a union.  It’s like if they threw the script for 50-shades-of-biblical-gray into the Bible for no apparent reason.

A few of the highlights include the author comparing his ladies’ tit-tays to a cluster of grapes and again comparing them to gazelles.  He also compares his lovely lady’s thighs to jewels because we all love a good thick jewel we can, ya know, hold and stuff.  Her cheeks are like pomegranates.  If you get the feeling that this guy was just pulling random nouns out of a hat and then sexualizing them, don’t.  This is part of the Bible which makes it the divinely inspired word of God and who are you to question how a boob resembles a gazelle?

I keep wondering whether women back in Biblical times were just not what we’d consider, ya know, attractive, or if gazelles were on point back then.  Hard to say really.  You should really read Song of Solomon because it’s pretty poetic.  Just don’t read it out loud if there are kids around.  Actually, don’t read it out loud even if there are adults around because it’s weird when people around you start randomly reading out loud.  Either way, make sure you ask for forgiveness when you’re done reading it because sinful thoughts are sure to cross your mind.

I don’t remember spending a lot of time talking about this book when I was an impressionable youth.  I would have liked to though because my pick up lines were not nearly as memorable as this guys’.