Listen guys, I have recently revisited the dark corners of the word of the Lord. The places which men of questionable character dare not go lest they be tempted and overcome with lust due to the provacative language in what I can only assume was the biblical version of PornHub. I’m talking, of course, of the book Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs, as it’s sometimes called. I have no idea how they managed to not nail down the name of this book but different Bible’s have it written differently. Maybe they didn’t want to be consistent with the name because they didn’t want kids to read it?
Song of Solomon is one of only two books in the Bible to not directly mention God (The other being Esther). It’s also the only book in the Bible where a woman’s hair is compared to a flock of goats. I’m pretty sure that’s the case, anyway. It’s weird, even by biblical standards. It’s also really beautiful, especially if you love goats.
Basically, Song of Solomon is about sex. Marital sex, I’m sure. There’s a dude (possibly Solomon), a sexy lady who resembles various farm animals, and a union. It’s like if they threw the script for 50-shades-of-biblical-gray into the Bible for no apparent reason.
A few of the highlights include the author comparing his ladies’ tit-tays to a cluster of grapes and again comparing them to gazelles. He also compares his lovely lady’s thighs to jewels because we all love a good thick jewel we can, ya know, hold and stuff. Her cheeks are like pomegranates. If you get the feeling that this guy was just pulling random nouns out of a hat and then sexualizing them, don’t. This is part of the Bible which makes it the divinely inspired word of God and who are you to question how a boob resembles a gazelle?
I keep wondering whether women back in Biblical times were just not what we’d consider, ya know, attractive, or if gazelles were on point back then. Hard to say really. You should really read Song of Solomon because it’s pretty poetic. Just don’t read it out loud if there are kids around. Actually, don’t read it out loud even if there are adults around because it’s weird when people around you start randomly reading out loud. Either way, make sure you ask for forgiveness when you’re done reading it because sinful thoughts are sure to cross your mind.
I don’t remember spending a lot of time talking about this book when I was an impressionable youth. I would have liked to though because my pick up lines were not nearly as memorable as this guys’.
Story Time with Dave 